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Quotations about Computers

Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog.
~Doug Larson
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into committees. That'll do them in.
~Author Unknown
The problem with troubleshooting is that trouble shoots back.
~Author Unknown
Never let a computer know you're in a hurry.
~Author Unknown
To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer.
~Bill Vaughan, 1969 (Thanks, Garson O'Toole!)
Treat your password like your toothbrush. Don't let anybody else use it, and get a new one every six months.
~Clifford Stoll
User, n. The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."
~Dave Barry
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes.
~Edsger W. Dijkstra
Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy.
~Joseph Campbell
Computing is not about computers any more. It is about living.
~Nicholas Negroponte
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

~David Dixon, 1998,
winning entry of the Haiku Error Messages 21st Challenge by Charlie Varon and Jim Rosenau, sponsored by Salon.com
Computers, huh? I've heard it all boils down to just a bunch of ones and zeroes.... I don't know how that enables me to see naked women, but however it works, God bless you guys.
~From the television show King of Queens, spoken by the character Doug Heffernan
After growing wildly for years, the field of computing appears to be reaching its infancy.
~John Pierce
Hardware: where the people in your company's software section will tell you the problem is. Software: where the people in your company's hardware section will tell you the problem is.
~Dave Barry, Claw Your Way to the Top
But they are useless. They can only give you answers.
~Pablo Picasso, about computers
Computers have lots of memory but no imagination.
~Author Unknown
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

~Suzie Wagner, 1998
As network administrator I can take down the network with one keystroke. It's just like being a doctor but without getting gooky stuff on my paws.
~Scott Adams ("Dogbert")
If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it's done.
~Scott Adams
Database: the information you lose when your memory crashes.
~Dave Barry, Claw Your Way to the Top
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
~Mitch Ratcliffe
Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
~Author Unknown
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
~Andy Rooney
Don't anthropomorphize computers - they hate it.
~Author Unknown
Hardware: the parts of a computer that can be kicked.
~Jeff Pesis
I haven't lost my mind; I have a tape back-up somewhere.
~Author Unknown
I just wish my mouth had a backspace key.
~Author Unknown
Spreadsheet: a kind of program that lets you sit at your desk and ask all kinds of neat "what if?" questions and generate thousands of numbers instead of actually working.
~Dave Barry, Claw Your Way to the Top
Don't explain computers to laymen. Simpler to explain sex to a virgin.
~Robert A. Heinlein
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
~One of Murphy's Laws of Technology
A picture is worth a thousand words but it takes 3,000 times the disk space.
~Author Unknown
If it draws blood, it's hardware.
~Author Unknown
In God we trust, all others we virus scan.
~Author Unknown
It's not computer literacy that we should be working on, but sort of human-literacy. Computers have to become human-literate.
~Nicholas P. Negroponte
Rebooting is a wonder drug - it fixes almost everything.
~Garrett Hazel, "Help Desk Blues," 2002
Jesus saves! The rest of us better make backups.
~Author Unknown
Man is still the most extraordinary computer of all.
~John F. Kennedy
RAM disk is not an installation procedure.
~Author Unknown
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its power cord.
~Author Unknown
The best way to accelerate a Macintosh is at 9.8m/sec/sec.
~Marcus Dolengo
The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer is that if they foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little.
~Eric Porterfield
Industry executives and analysts often mistakenly talk about strategy as if it were some kind of chess match. But in chess, you have just two opponents, each with identical resources, and with luck playing a minimal role. The real world is much more like a poker game, with multiple players trying to make the best of whatever hand fortune has dealt them. In our industry, Bill Gates owns the table until someone proves otherwise.
~David Moschella
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that

~Margaret Segall, 1998
The question of whether computers can think is just like the question of whether submarines can swim.
~Edsger W. Dijkstra
The real danger is not that computers will begin to think like men, but that men will begin to think like computers.
~Sydney J. Harris
There are 10 types of people in this world: those who understand binary and those who don't.
~Author Unknown
There are three kinds of death in this world. There's heart death, there's brain death, and there's being off the network.
~Guy Almes
Truth is, I wouldn't know a gigabyte from a snakebite.
~Dolly Parton
Computers are like air conditioners. They work fine until you start opening windows.
~Author Unknown
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

~Peter Rothman, 1998
Information technology and business are becoming inextricably interwoven. I don't think anybody can talk meaningfully about one without the talking about the other.
~Bill Gates
There are two major products that came out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We do not believe this to be a coincidence.
~Jeremy S. Anderson
My computer kept beating the pants off me at chess, until I discovered that it was no match against me at kickboxing.
~Author Unknown
Stay the patient courseOf little worth is your ireThe network is down
~David Ansel, 1998
There is a computer disease that anybody who works with computers knows about. It's a very serious disease and it interferes completely with the work. The trouble with computers is that you 'play' with them!
~Richard P. Feynman
There is only one satisfying way to boot a computer.
~J.H. Goldfuss
Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised) are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse at are called software.
~Author Unknown
I regularly read Internet user groups filled with messages from people trying to solve software incompatibility problems that, in terms of complexity, make the U.S. Tax Code look like Dr. Seuss.
~Dave Barry
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

~David J. Liszewski, 1998
A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
~Author Unknown
Apathy Error: Don't bother striking any key.
~Author Unknown
At least my pencil never crashes!
~Author Unknown
There is a chasm
of carbon and silicon
the software can't bridge

~Rahul Sonnad, 1998
DOS computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.
~Author Unknown
Home is where you hang your @.
~Author Unknown
To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy

~Brian M. Porter, 1998
I wish life had an Undo function.
~Author Unknown
In a few minutes a computer can make a mistake so great that it would have taken many men many months to equal it.
~Author Unknown
In the old days, people robbed stagecoaches and knocked off armored trucks. Now they're knocking off servers.
~Richard Power
Mac users swear by their computers. PC users swear at their computers.
~Author Unknown
I wrote an ad for Apple Computer: "Macintosh - We might not get everything right, but at least we knew the century was going to end."
~Douglas Adams
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
~Werner von Braun
Microsoft, where quality is job 1.1.
~Author Unknown
Software is slowing faster than hardware is accelerating.
~Martin Reiser, quoted by Nicklaus Wirth, 1995, which spawned "Grove giveth, and Gates taketh away," author unknown, referring to CEOs of Intel and Microsoft
Some people can hack it, others can't.
~Author Unknown
The inside of a computer is as dumb as hell but it goes like mad!
~Richard Feynman
Unix was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that would also stop you from doing clever things.
~Doug Gwyn
Unix is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
~Dennis Ritchie
Unix never says "please."
~Rob Pike
The Unix philosophy basically involves giving you just enough rope to hang yourself. And then a couple of feet more, just to be sure.
~Author Unknown
Unless in communicating with it one says exactly what one means, trouble is bound to result.
~Alan Turing, about computers
What boots up must come down.
~Author Unknown
Windows is just DOS in drag.
~Author Unknown
Computers must be female. No one but the creator understands their internal logic. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you." Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
~Author Unknown
Computers must be male. As soon as you commit to one you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the day.
~Author Unknown