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Quotable Insults and Comebacks

A slander is like a hornet; if you can't kill it dead the first time, better not strike at it.
~Henry Wheeler Shaw
The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it; if you can't ignore it, top it; if you can't top it, laugh at it; if you can't laugh at it, it's probably deserved.
~J. Russel Lynes
I've had a wonderful evening - but this wasn't it.
~Groucho Marx
Coolidge was known for his terse speech and reticence. A woman bet her friend that she could get Coolidge to speak to her, which was something he was reluctant to do. She went up to him and said: "Hello, Mr. President, I bet my friend that I could get you to say three words to me." "You lose," Coolidge replied dryly, and walked away.
~Author Unknown
Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it.
~Mark Twain
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
~Oscar Wilde
She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say "when."
~P.G. Wodehouse
Nancy Astor: "If you were my husband, Winston, I should flavour your coffee with poison."Winston Churchill: "If I were your husband, madam, I should drink it."
I can't believe that out of 10,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
~Steven Pearl
Yes, Agassiz does recommend authors to eat fish, because the phosphorus in it makes brain. So far you are correct. But I cannot help you to a decision about the amount you need to eat - at least, not with certainty. If the specimen composition you send is about your fair usual average, I should judge that a couple of whales would be all you would want for the present. Not the largest kind, but simply good middling-sized whales.
~Mark Twain
Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
~Author Unknown
Her face was her chaperone.
~Rupert Hughes
I hope they notice the mistletoe tied to my coattails as I leave town.
~Abe Lemons
She looks as if butter wouldn't melt in her mouth.
~Jonathan Swift, Polite Conversation
It was a book to kill time for those who like it better dead.
~Rose Macaulay
Dustin Farnum: "I've never been better! In the last act yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats."Oliver Herford: "How clever of you to think of it."
O, she is the antidote to desire.
~William Congreve, Love for Love, 1695
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
~English professor, Ohio University
She has the answer to everything and the solution to nothing.
~Oscar Levant
You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.
~Edward Flaherty
I wouldn't be surprised if one day Carl's halo slipped and choked him.
~Allan Wells, referring to Carl Lewis, 1989
I could eat alphabet soup and shit better lyrics.
~Johnny Mercer, on a British musical
I love Wagner, but the music I prefer is that of a cat hung up by its tail outside a window and trying to stick to the panes of glass with its claws.
~Charles Baudelaire
The problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.
~David Gerrold