A slander is like a hornet; if you can't kill it dead the first time, better not strike at it.
~Henry Wheeler Shaw
The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it; if you can't ignore it, top it; if you can't top it, laugh at it; if you can't laugh at it, it's probably deserved.
~J. Russel Lynes
I've had a wonderful evening - but this wasn't it.
Coolidge was known for his terse speech and reticence. A woman bet her friend that she could get Coolidge to speak to her, which was something he was reluctant to do. She went up to him and said: "Hello, Mr. President, I bet my friend that I could get you to say three words to me." "You lose," Coolidge replied dryly, and walked away.
Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say "when."
Nancy Astor: "If you were my husband, Winston, I should flavour your coffee with poison."Winston Churchill: "If I were your husband, madam, I should drink it."
I can't believe that out of 10,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
Yes, Agassiz does recommend authors to eat fish, because the phosphorus in it makes brain. So far you are correct. But I cannot help you to a decision about the amount you need to eat - at least, not with certainty. If the specimen composition you send is about your fair usual average, I should judge that a couple of whales would be all you would want for the present. Not the largest kind, but simply good middling-sized whales.
Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Her face was her chaperone.
I hope they notice the mistletoe tied to my coattails as I leave town.
She looks as if butter wouldn't melt in her mouth.
~Jonathan Swift, Polite Conversation
It was a book to kill time for those who like it better dead.
Dustin Farnum: "I've never been better! In the last act yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats."Oliver Herford: "How clever of you to think of it."
O, she is the antidote to desire.
~William Congreve, Love for Love, 1695
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
~English professor, Ohio University
She has the answer to everything and the solution to nothing.
You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.
I wouldn't be surprised if one day Carl's halo slipped and choked him.
~Allan Wells, referring to Carl Lewis, 1989
I could eat alphabet soup and shit better lyrics.
~Johnny Mercer, on a British musical
I love Wagner, but the music I prefer is that of a cat hung up by its tail outside a window and trying to stick to the panes of glass with its claws.
The problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.