I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. I haven't had time for tobacco since.
~Arturo Toscanini

To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times.
~Mark Twain, attributed

I thought I couldn't afford to take her out and smoke as well. So I gave up cigarettes. Then I took her out and one day I looked at her and thought: "Oh well," and I went back to smoking again, and that was better.
~Benny Hill

One thousand Americans stop smoking every day - by dying.
~Author Unknown

There's something luxurious about having a girl light your cigarette. In fact, I got married once on account of that.
~Harold Robbins

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.
~Woody Allen

Thank you for Not Smoking. Cigarette smoke is the residue of your pleasure. It contaminates the air, pollutes my hair and clothes, not to mention my lungs. This takes place without my consent. I have a pleasure, also. I like a beer now and then. The residue of my pleasure is urine. Would you be annoyed if I stood on a chair and pissed on your head and your clothes without your consent?
~Sign from Ken's Magic Shop

If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
~Douglas Adams

It has always been my rule never to smoke when aSmoking and Tobacco, and never to refrain when awake.
~Mark Twain

If you must smoke, take your butt outside.
~Author Unknown

Smoke your pipe and be silent; there's only wind and smoke in the world.
~Irish Proverb

Little tube of mighty pow'r,Charmer of an idle hour,Object of my warm desire.
~Isaac Hawkins Browne, "A Pipe of Tobacco"

A good cigar is like a beautiful chick with a great body who also knows the American League box scores.
~M*A*S*H, Klinger, "Bug-Out," 1976

Much smoking kills live men and cures dead swine.
~George D. Prentice

If an addict who has been completely cured starts smoking again he no longer experiences the discomfort of his first addiction. There exists, therefore, outside alkaloids and habit, a sense for opium, an intangible habit which lives on, despite the recasting of the organism. The dead drug leaves a ghost behind. At certain hours it haunts the house.
~Jean Cocteau

The believing we do something when we do nothing is the first illusion of tobacco.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson

There are some circles in America where it seems to be more socially acceptable to carry a hand-gun than a packet of cigarettes.
~Katharine Whitehorn

Tobacco is a dirty weed. I like it.It satisfies no normal need. I like it.It makes you thin, it makes you lean,It takes the hair right off your beanIt's the worst darn stuff I've ever seen.I like it.
~Graham Lee Hemminger, Tobacco

For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward.
~Jay Leno

Tobacco. Tumor causing, teeth staining, smelly, puking habit.
~Arizona Department of Health Services Tobacco Education and Prevention Program ad campaign, created by Riester-Robb Advertising

Nicotine patches are great. Stick one over each eye and you can't find your cigarettes.
~Author Unknown

To smoke or not to smoke: I can make of either a life-work.
~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

A cigarette is the perfect type of a perfect pleasure. It is exquisite, and it leaves one unsatisfied. What more can one want?
~Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

On CBS Radio the news of [Ed Murrow's] death, reportedly from lung cancer, was followed by a cigarette commercial.
~Alexander Kendrick

The best way to stop smoking is to just stop - no ifs, ands or butts.
~Edith Zittler

The public health authorities never mention the main reason many Americans have for smoking heavily, which is that smoking is a fairly sure, fairly honorable form of suicide.
~Kurt Vonnegut

It's all one thing - both tend into one scope -To live upon Tobacco and on Hope,The one's but smoke, the other is but wind.
~Sir Robert Aytoun of Kincaldie, "Sonnet on Tobacco"

A nonsmoker is forced to find food, but for a smoker breakfast can be a cigarette and a cup of bad coffee.
~Brock Fiant

Thank heaven, I have given up smoking again!... God! I feel fit. Homicidal, but fit. A different man. Irritable, moody, depressed, rude, nervy, perhaps; but the lungs are fine.
~A.P. Herbert

There's a lot of people who, a cigarette is about the only vacation they have.
~Trey Parker, mini-commentary on DVD South Park episode "Butt Out"

I'd rather kiss a mad cow on the muzzle than a smoker on the mouth.
~Paul Carvel

Smoking helps you lose weight - one lung at a time!
~"Alfred E. Neuman" (Mad Magazine)

He who doth not smoke hath either known no great griefs, or refuseth himself the softest consolation, next to that which comes from heaven.
~Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, What Will He Do With It?

In a gathering of two or more people, when a lighted cigarette is placed in an ashtray, the smoke will waft into the face of the non-smoker.
~Author Unknown

A cigarette is a pipe with a fire at one end and a fool at the other.
~Author Unknown

Please don't throw your cigarette butts in the urinal. It makes them soggy and hard to light.
~Author Unknown

Tobacco and alcohol, delicious fathers of abiding friendships and fertile reveries.
~Luis Buñuel

Good food, good sex, good digestion, good sleep: to these basic animal pleasures, man has added nothing but the good cigarette.
~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
~Author Unknown

I'm glad I don't have to explain to a man from Mars why each day I set fire to dozens of little pieces of paper, and put them in my mouth.
~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

I've been smoking nearly 50 years now. I just don't feel safe breathing anything I can't see!
~Dave Beard

Ods me I marle what pleasure or felicity they have in taking their roguish tobacco. It is good for nothing but to choke a man, and fill him full of smoke and embers.
~Ben Jonson, Every Man in His Humour

Cigarettes are killers that travel in packs.
~Author Unknown

Your clothes smell heavily of clothing. Your den is filled with low-hanging palls of fresh air. The only rattle in your car is the sound of toll change in the ashtray. The absence of telltale tobacco stains on your shirt collar tells the tale - you've licked the smoking habit.
~Robert Brault, 1973, www.robertbrault.com

Tobacco, divine, rare superexcellent tobacco, which goes far beyond all panaceas, potable gold and philosopher's stones, a sovereign remedy to all diseases.
~Robert Burton, Anatomy of Melancholy

The cigarette does the smoking - you're just the sucker.
~Author Unknown

They threaten me with lung cancer, and still I smoke and smoke. If they'd only threaten me with hard work, I might stop.
~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

What a weird thing smoking is and I can't stop it. I feel cosy, have a sense of well-being when I'm smoking, poisoning myself, killing myself slowly. Not so slowly maybe. I have all kinds of pains I don't want to know about and I know that's what they're from. But when I don't smoke I scarcely feel as if I'm living. I don't feel as if I'm living unless I'm killing myself.
~Russell Hoban, Turtle Diary, 1975

A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.
~Rudyard Kipling, The Betrothed

Coffee and tobacco are complete repose.
~Turkish Proverb

Yes, social friend, I love thee well,In learned doctor's spite;Thy clouds all other clouds dispelAnd lap me in delight.
~Charles Sprague, "To My Cigar"

Now the only thing I miss about sex is the cigarette afterward. Next to the first one in the morning, it's the best one of all. It tasted so good that even if I had been frigid I would have pretended otherwise just to be able to smoke it.
~Florence King

I used to smoke two packs a day and I just hate being a nonsmoker.... but I will never consider myself a nonsmoker because I always find smokers the most interesting people at the table.
~Michelle Pfeiffer

Forcing smoke down my lungs is pulmonary rape. It invades my body against my will, and it's not fair.
~Patty Young

To some, the cigarette is a portable therapist.
~Terri Guillemets

Divine in hookas, glorious in a pipeWhen tipp'd with amber, mellow, rich, and ripe;...Yet thy true lovers more admire by farThy naked beauties - give me a cigar!
~George Gordon, Lord Byron, The Island

A custom loathsome to the eye, hateful to the nose, harmful to the brain, dangerous to the lungs, and in the black, stinking fume thereof nearest resembling the horrible Stygian smoke of the pit that is bottomless.
~James I of England, A Counterblaste to Tobacco, 1604

The best way to stop smoking is to carry wet matches.
~Author Unknown

Thank you to John C. Shepard of GIGA Quotesfor sharing some of these quotations!