You start out happy that you have no hips or boobs. All of a sudden you get them, and it feels sloppy. Then just when you start liking them, they start drooping.
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
The lovely thing about being forty is that you can appreciate twenty-five-year-old men more.
There must be quite a few things that a hot bath won't cure, but I don't know many of them.
~Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar
I am woman! I am invincible! I am pooped!
If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.
Having a bottom is living with the enemy. Not only do they spend their lives slowly inflating, they flirt with men while we're looking the other way.
~Coupling, "Her Best Friend's Bottom," original airdate 17 September 2001, written by Steven Moffat, spoken by the character Sally
I got a postcard from my gynecologist. It said, "Did you know it's time for your annual check-up?" No, but now my mailman does.
I want a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?
~Zsa Zsa Gabor
I prefer the word homemaker, because housewife always implies that there may be a wife someplace else.
Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
Women deserve to have more than twelve years between the ages of twenty-eight and forty.
~James Thurber, Time, 15 August 1960
I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon.
The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is.
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
Remember, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but backwards and in high heels.
No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men.
Anybody who believes that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach flunked geography.
Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.
~Attributed to both Marion Smith and Nicole Hollander
I would like it if men had to partake in the same hormonal cycles to which we're subjected monthly. Maybe that's why men declare war - because they have a need to bleed on a regular basis.
Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
I keep trying to lose weight... but it keeps finding me!
Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum - "My God, the floor's immaculate. Lie down, you hot bitch."
Women may be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships.
Three wise men - are you serious?
~Author UnknownHome cooking: where many a man thinks his wife is.
Not tonight honey, wait 'til I'm a size 6.
~Susan Reinhardt, title of book
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
~Author UnknownYou have to have the kind of body that doesn't need a girdle in order to get to pose in one.
If you have formed the habit of checking on every new diet that comes along, you will find that, mercifully, they all blur together, leaving you with only one definite piece of information: french-fried potatoes are out.
A lot of guys think the larger a woman's breasts are, the less intelligent she is. I don't think it works like that. I think it's the opposite. I think the larger a woman's breasts are, the less intelligent the men become.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.
~Irina Dunn, 1970, commonly misattributed to Gloria Steinem who had quoted Dunn
Sure God created man before woman. But then you always make a rough draft before the final masterpiece.
Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
~Frank McKinney "Kin" Hubbard
Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit.
Behind every successful woman... is a substantial amount of coffee.
I've decided that perhaps I'm bulimic and just keep forgetting to purge.
Where do you go to get anorexia?
There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
Buying something on sale is a very special feeling. In fact, the less I pay for something, the more it is worth to me. I have a dress that I paid so little for that I am afraid to wear it. I could spill something on it, and then how would I replace it for that amount of money?
Don't accept rides from strange men - and remember that all men are as strange as hell.
Forget love - I'd rather fall in chocolate!
~Attributed to Sandra J. Dykes
Stressed spelled backwards is desserts. Coincidence? I think not!
If I had been around when Rubens was painting, I would have been revered as a fabulous model. Kate Moss? Well, she would have been the paintbrush.
The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.
Who ever thought up the word "Mammogram?" Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.
The first time you buy a house you see how pretty the paint is and buy it. The second time you look to see if the basement has termites. It's the same with men.
The only way to lose weight is to check it as airline baggage.
Sometimes I think if there was a third sex men wouldn't get so much as a glance from me.
You can take no credit for beauty at sixteen. But if you are beautiful at sixty, it will be your soul's own doing.
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
The old theory was "Marry an older man, because they're more mature." But the new theory is: "Men don't mature. Marry a younger one."
Men get laid, but women get screwed.
Is it too much to ask that women be spared the daily struggle for superhuman beauty in order to offer it to the caresses of a subhumanly ugly mate?
~Germaine Greer, The Female Eunuch, 1970
Women get the last word in every argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.