When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty.
~Woody Allen

Don't dig your grave with your own knife and fork.
~English Proverb

Your stomach shouldn't be a waist basket.
~Author Unknown

A diet is the penalty we pay for exceeding the feed limit.
~Author Unknown

More die in the United States of too much food than of too little.
~John Kenneth Galbraith, The Affluent Society

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.
~Author Unknown

One should eat to live, not live to eat.
~Cicero, Rhetoricorum LV

Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
~Author Unknown

I've decided that perhaps I'm bulimic and just keep forgetting to purge.
~Paula Poundstone

In the Middle Ages, they had guillotines, stretch racks, whips and cahins. Nowadays, we have a much more effective torture device called the bathroom scale.
~Stephen Phillips

It's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.
~Roseanne Barr

I feel about airplanes the way I feel about diets. It seems to me that they are wonderful things for other people to go on.
~Jean Kerr, "Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall," The Snake Has All the Lines, 1958

People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.
~Author Unknown

When friends tell you how awesome you look, drop the "I still have more to go" crap. You worked hard and you deserve the compliment!
~Jillian Michaels

The one way to get thin is to re-establish a purpose in life.
~Cyril Connolly, The Unquiet Grave

Albert Einstein, who discovered that a tiny amount of mass is equal to a huge amount of energy, which explains why, as Einstein himself so eloquently put it in a famous 1939 speech to the Physics Department at Princeton, "You have to exercise for a week to work off the thigh fat from a single Snickers."
~Dave Barry, Dave Barry Turns 50

Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.
~Don Kardong

Reality check: you can never, ever, use weight loss to solve problems that are not related to your weight. At your goal weight or not, you still have to live with yourself and deal with your problems. You will still have the same husband, the same job, the same kids, and the same life. Losing weight is not a cure for life.
~Phillip C. McGraw, The Ultimate Weight Solution: The 7 Keys to Weight Loss Freedom, 2003

If nature had intended our skeletons to be visible it would have put them on the outside of our bodies.
~Elmer Rice

I keep trying to lose weight... but it keeps finding me!
~Author Unknown

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
~Mae West

I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is fourteen days.
~Totie Fields

Rich, fatty foods are like destiny: they too, shape our ends.
~Author Unknown

I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
~Author Unknown

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
~Author Unknown

Forget love - I'd rather fall in chocolate!
~Attributed to Sandra J. Dykes

Stressed spelled backwards is desserts. Coincidence? I think not!
~Author Unknown

The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books - how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook.
~Andy Rooney

Gluttony is an emotional escape, a sign something is eating us.
~Peter De Vries

If hunger is not the problem, then eating is not the solution.
~Author Unknown

Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.
~Author Unknown

If I had been around when Rubens was painting, I would have been revered as a fabulous model. Kate Moss? Well, she would have been the paintbrush.
~Dawn French

No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office.
~George Bernard Shaw

The first thing you lose on a diet is your sense of humor.
~Author Unknown

Food is like sex: when you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good.
~Beth McCollister

I go up and down the scale so often that if they ever perform an autopsy on me they'll find me like a strip of bacon - a streak of lean and a streak of fat.
~Texas Guinan

Life itself is the proper binge.
~Julia Child

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
~Author Unknown

I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has become since 1990.
~Dave Barry

Dieting is wishful shrinking.
~Author Unknown

It is a hard matter, my fellow citizens, to argue with the belly, since it has no ears.
~Plutarch

Bigger snacks mean bigger slacks.
~Author Unknown

I'm allergic to food. Every time I eat it breaks out into fat.
~Jennifer Greene Duncan

Food has replaced sex in my life; now, I can't even get into my own pants.
~Author Unknown

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
~Author Unknown

I have gained and lost the same ten pounds so many times over and over again my cellulite must have déjà vu.
~Jane Wagner

It's not women's fault that diets don't work. It's not perversity of lack of willpower. God did this - in Her great wisdom.
~Dr. Wayne Callaway

Where do you go to get anorexia?
~Shelley Winters

To lengthen your life, shorten your meals.
~Proverb

You can't lose weight by talking about it. You have to keep your mouth shut.
~Author Unknown

I think I just ate my willpower.
~Author Unknown

If you really want to be depressed, weigh yourself in grams.
~Jason Love

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
~Author Unknown

I am a nutritional overachiever.
~Author Unknown

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day, you're off it.
~Jackie Gleason

Saying yes to the skinny jeans by saying no to the donuts.
~Betsy Cañas Garmon, www.wildthymecreative.com

Dieting is not a piece of cake.
~Author Unknown

You know it's time to diet when you push away from the table and the table moves.
~Quoted in The Cockle Bur

If food is your best friend, it's also your worst enemy.
~Edward "Grandpa" Jones, 1978

I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.
~Ed Bluestone

A diet is a plan, generally hopeless, for reducing your weight, which tests your will power but does little for your waistline.
~Herbert B. Prochnow

I'm not overweight. I'm just nine inches too short.
~Shelley Winters

Dieters live life in the fasting lane.
~Author Unknown

Govern well thy appetite, lest SinSurprise thee, and her black attendant, Death.
~John Milton

People say that losing weight is no walk in the park. When I hear that I think, yeah, that's the problem.
~Chris Adams

As for food, half of my friends have dug their graves with their teeth.
~Chauncey M. Depew

I lied on my Weight Watchers list. I put down that I had 3 eggs... but they were Cadbury chocolate eggs.
~Caroline Rhea

To promise not to do a thing is the surest way in the world to make a body want to go and do that very thing.
~Mark Twain, The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, 1876

I'm on a 90-day wonder diet. Thus far, I've lost 45 days.
~Author Unknown

The commonest form of malnutrition in the western world is obesity.
~Mervyn Deitel

Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled over how much weight you have gained.
~Author Unknown

I'm in shape. Round is a shape... isn't it?
~Author Unknown

Your body is a temple, not a drive-through.
~Author Unknown

I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
~Erma Bombeck

My advice if you insist on slimming: Eat as much as you like - just don't swallow it.
~Harry Secombe

I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food.
~Erma Bombeck

Forget about calories - everything makes thin people thinner, and fat people fatter.
~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

In general, mankind, since the improvement of cookery, eats twice as much as nature requires.
~Benjamin Franklin

When I buy cookies I eat just four and throw the rest away. But first I spray them with Raid so I won't dig them out of the garbage later. Be careful, though, because that Raid really doesn't taste that bad.
~Janette Barber

Clogged with yesterday's excess, the body drags the mind down with it.
~Horace

They are sick that surfeit with too much, as they that starve with nothing.
~William Shakespeare

We never repent of having eaten too little.
~Thomas Jefferson, 1825

History is apt to judge harshly those who sacrifice tomorrow for today.
~Harold MacMillan

It would be far easier to lose weight permanently if replacement parts weren't so handy in the refrigerator.
~Hugh Allen

A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
~Tom Wilson

I'm not overweight, I'm undertall.
~Author Unknown

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.
~Dave Barry

Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths.
~Author Unknown

Gluttony is not a secret vice.
~Orson Welles

If you have formed the habit of checking on every new diet that comes along, you will find that, mercifully, they all blur together, leaving you with only one definite piece of information: french-fried potatoes are out.
~Jean Kerr

All people are made alike -
of bones and flesh and dinner -
Only the dinners are different.

~Gertrude Louise Cheney

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
~Orson Welles

We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world, and with more diets to keep us from eating it.
~Author Unknown

If I can't have too many truffles I'll do without.
~Colette

The only way to lose weight is to check it as airline baggage.
~Peggy Ryan

Fat is not a moral problem. It's an oral problem.
~Jane Thomas Noland

Never eat more than you can lift.
~Miss Piggy

If you wish to grow thinner, diminish your dinner.
~H.S. Leigh

Obesity is a mental state, a disease brought on by boredom and disappointment.
~Cyril Connolly, The Unquiet Grave

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable.
~Mark Twain

Probably nothing in the world arouses more false hopes than the first four hours of a diet.
~Dan Bennett

Obesity is really widespread.
~Joseph O. Kern II

She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say "when."
~P.G. Wodehouse

Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow ye diet.
~Lewis C. Henry

My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.
~Henny Youngman

I bought a talking refrigerator that said "Oink" every time I opened the door. It made me hungry for pork chops.
~Marie Mott

Another good reducing exercise consists in placing both hands against the table edge and pushing back.
~Robert Quillen

Don't go out of your weigh to please anyone but yourself.
~Author Unknown