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Quotations about Alcohol

Stay busy, get plenty of exercise, and don't drink too much. Then again, don't drink too little.
~Herman "Jackrabbit" Smith-Johannsen
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
~Ernest Hemingway
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
~Author Unknown
I prefer to think that God is not dead, just drunk.
~John Marcellus Huston
If you must drink and drive, drink Pepsi.
~Author unknown, as seen on a bumper sticker
Draft beer, not people.
~Author Unknown
The first thing in the human personality that dissolves in alcohol is dignity.
~Author Unknown
Wine is bottled poetry.
~Robert Louis Stevenson
When the wine goes in, strange things come out.
~Johann Christoph Friedrich von Schiller, The Piccolomini, 1799
If drinking is interfering with your work, you're probably a heavy drinker. If work is interfering with your drinking, you're probably an alcoholic.
~Author Unknown
If you know someone who tries to drown their sorrows, you might tell them sorrows know how to swim.
~Quoted in P.S. I Love You, compiled by H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
O God, that men should put an enemy in their mouths to steal away their brains! that we should, with joy, pleasance, revel, and applause, transform ourselves into beasts!
~William Shakespeare, Othello
First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.
~Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald
I think a man ought to get drunk at least twice a year just on principle, so he won't let himself get snotty about it.
~Raymond Chandler
If four or five guys tell you that you're drunk, even though you know you haven't had a thing to drink, the least you can do is to lie down a little while.
~Joseph Schenck
This is one of the disadvantages of wine: it makes a man mistake words for thought.
~Samuel Johnson
One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.
~Lady Astor
A man who was fond of wine was offered some grapes at dessert after dinner. "Much obliged," said he, pushing the plate aside, "I am not accustomed to take my wine in pills."
~Jean Anthelme Brillat-Savarin
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
~W.C. Fields
It is most absurdly said, in popular language, of any man, that he is disguised in liquor; for, on the contrary, most men are disguised by sobriety.
~Thomas de Quincy, Confessions of an English Opium-Eater, 1856
It takes 8,460 bolts to assemble an automobile, and one nut to scatter it all over the road.
~Author unknown, as seen on a bumper sticker
The harsh, useful things of the world, from pulling teeth to digging potatoes, are best done by men who are as starkly sober as so many convicts in the death-house, but the lovely and useless things, the charming and exhilarating things, are best done by men with, as the phrase is, a few sheets in the wind.
~H.L. Mencken, Prejudices, Fourth Series, 1924
Your body is a temple, but keep the spirits on the outside.
~Author Unknown
You don't have to be a beer drinker to play darts, but it helps.
~Author Unknown
Here's to a long life and a merry one
A quick death and an easy one
A pretty girl and an honest one
A cold beer and another one!

~Author Unknown
I like liquor - its taste and its effects - and that is just the reason why I never drink it.
~Thomas Jackson
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, it is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.
~Jack Handey
When the wine is in, the wit is out.
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
~Frank Sinatra
What's drinking?
A mere pause from thinking!

~George Gordon, Lord Byron, The Deformed Transformed
I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
~W.C. Fields
Woman first tempted man to eat; he took to drinking of his own accord.
~Four Hundred Laughs: Or, Fun Without Vulgarity, compiled and edited by John R. Kemble, 1902
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
~Dave Barry
Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony.
~Robert Benchley
The chief reason for drinking is the desire to behave in a certain way, and to be able to blame it on alcohol.
~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960
I envy people who drink - at least they know what to blame everything on.
~Oscar Levant
Remember: "I" before "E," except in Budweiser.
~Author Unknown
Champagne, if you are seeking the truth, is better than a lie detector. It encourages a man to be expansive, even reckless, while lie detectors are only a challenge to tell lies successfully.
~Graham Greene
I'll stick with gin. Champagne is just ginger ale that knows somebody.
~M*A*S*H, Hawkeye, "Ceasefire," 1973
No animal ever invented anything so bad as drunkeness - or so good as drink.
~Lord Chesterton
Even though a number of people have tried, no one has yet found a way to drink for a living.
~Jean Kerr
We borrowed golf from Scotland as we borrowed whiskey. Not because it is Scottish, but because it is good.
~Horace Hutchinson
Drunkenness is temporary suicide.
~Bertrand Russell, The Conquest of Happiness
Everybody should believe in s
omething; I believe I'll have another drink.
~Author Unknown
Wine gives a man nothing... it only puts in motion what had been locked up in frost.
~Samuel Johnson
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
~George Burns
I don't think I've ever drunk champagne before breakfast before. With breakfast on several occasions, but never before before.
~From the movie Breakfast at Tiffany's, 1961, screenplay by George Axelrod, based on the novella by Truman Capote, spoken by the character Paul Varjak
A man ought not never to get drunk above the neck.
~Author Unknown
Wine is sunlight, held together by water.
If you wish to keep your affairs secret, drink no wine.
~Author Unknown
They speak of my drinking, but never think of my thirst.
~Scottish Proverb
Bacchus has drowned more men than Neptune.
~Giuseppe Garibaldi
A woman drove me to drink and I never even had the courtesy to thank her.
~W.C. Fields
Zen martini: A martini with no vermouth at all. And no gin, either.
~P.J. O'Rourke
Beer is the cause and solution to all of life's problems.
~Homer Simpson
What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk?
~Jack Handy
Hefeweizen. Never drink something you can't spill.
~Steve Miller, www.born-today.com/Choose_bDay.htm
I'm going to be around until the Atomic Energy Commission finds a safe place to bury my liver.
~Phil Harris
Drunkenness is nothing but voluntary madness.
Whoever takes just plain ginger ale soon gets drowned out of the conversation.
~Kin Hubbard
If we take habitual drunkards as a class, their heads and their hearts will bear an advantageous comparison with those of any other class. There seems ever to have been a proneness in the brilliant and warm-blooded to fall in to this vice. The demon of intemperance ever seems to have delighted in sucking the blood of genius and generosity.
~Abraham Lincoln, address to the Washington Temperance Society, Springfield, Illinois, 22 February 1842
I drink only to make my friends seem interesting.
~Don Marquis
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss.
~Robert Heinlein
I'd prefer to have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.
~Frank Nicholson, attributed
Why don't you slip out of those wet clothes and into a dry Martini?
~Robert Benchley
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
~Henny Youngman
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
~Henny Youngman
A drunken man is fitly named: he has drank, till he is drunken: the wine swallows his consciousness, and it sinks therein.
~Augustus William Hare and Julius Charles Hare, Guesses at Truth, by Two Brothers, 1827
I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
~Winston Churchill
Of the demonstrably wise there are but two: those who commit suicide, and those who keep their reasoning faculties atrophied by drink.
~Mark Twain, Note-Book, 1935
Teetotallers lack the sympathy and generosity of men that drink.
~W.H. Davies
Brandy, n. A cordial composed of one part thunder-and-lightning, one part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-the-grave and four parts clarified Satan.
~Ambrose Bierce
Take life with a grain of salt, a slice of lime, and a shot of tequila.
~Author Unknown
Drink the first. Sip the second slowly. Skip the third.
~Knute Rockne
Candy is dandy
But liquor is quicker.

~Ogden Nash, Reflection on Ice-Breaking
If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.
~Dean Martin
Wine gives courage and makes men more apt for passion.
Life's a waste of time, time's a waste of life so let's all get wasted and have the time of our life.
~Author Unknown
Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
~Phyllis Diller
No poems can please for long or live that are written by water-drinkers.
~Horace (Quintus Horatius Flaccus), Satires
Everyone who drinks is not a poet. Some of us drink because we're not poets.
~From the movie Arthur
How come if alcohol kills millions of brain cells, it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
~Author Unknown
One martini is all right. Two are too many, and three are not enough.
~James Thurber
If you are young and you drink a great deal it will spoil your health, slow your mind, make you fat - in other words, turn you into an adult.
~P.J. O'Rourke
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
~Author unknown, commonly attributed to Benjamin Franklin
Never cry over spilt milk. It could've been whiskey.
~"Pappy" Maverick, in Maverick